I Didn’t Know I Was Disappearing

I don’t know where this journal will take us - but I know I need to write it. For me, and maybe, for you too. This series is not curated for performance, nor is it polished for perfection. Just truth - MY truth. And if it speaks to something you’ve been carrying, then this space is for you too and please feel free to read on 🙏

I didn’t know I was disappearing. Not at first.

It wasn’t dramatic,- no sobbing on the bathroom floor, screaming into my pillow, slamming my laptop down. There wasn't even a visible/clear breaking point - just small little things like laughing less, shrinking in rooms I used to thrive in, short moments of snapping at my partner...at some point I just through it was PMS, because I was still showing up, still working, still performing, still transforming lives...But somewhere along the way, I stopped hearing myself.

The scariest part? No one even noticed - not even me. Not seriously. Not until it was already in full swing and I found myself one day drifting around in some seriously dark thoughts. Because when you’re good at carrying things, you get used to putting on an automatic mask. You get used to being the one who's always "amazing". You get labelled as the "go-to" person when sh*t hits the fan because they know you can handle it. And especially when your life looks full…no one suspects it’s actually draining you.

My 5 day Clarity Revive experience cracked something open that even I didn't expect.

Side note: I know some of you out there might be thinking "OMG you were supposed to lead the experience and now you're telling me you didn't even know you weren't your true self?" Well my friend - let me tell you this. I've gotten SO good at delivery and supporting others that I am fully capable of doing it even when I'm not 100%....because in the moment of delivery I can do what most high-achieving women have trained themselves to do - BE my best self even when we ourselves are not feeling the best because that is what we pride ourselves on - to be our 100% during delivery especially when it's in service of others. But just because I'm hosting doesn't mean I won't have my own transformations too - because that's exactly what I do! I offer safe spaces and experiences for women (including myself) to transform real time. But it is in these spaces where you KNOW I'm going to deliver for you because I have to go through all of it first before I will bring it to the table to you. My coach Sean Smith would say "A transformational coach can never take their clients down to the depths in which they have not travelled through" - and he is totally right.

Anyway - back to my story...

In those sessions, I watched women arrive frantic and leave peaceful. I watched their shoulders drop. I heard their voices return. And every person's transformation was beautiful - They got their clarity back. They got their confidence back. They found themselves in love with themselves again. They were connected to themselves again. They could trust themselves again... 🥹

At the end of it, instead of feeling enlightened and celebratory, I felt...off. I felt like something had gone wrong but I couldn't pinpoint what it was. I felt like something had been taken from me but I didn't know what it was. All I knew was that I was uncomfortable.

Throughout the entire evening and even the next day I couldn't shake off the feeling. I was exhausted - which is normal after events, but to the extent I couldn't get out of bed? That wasn't normal...

And so I allowed myself to stay in bed so I could find the answer. Meditation after meditation. Module after module. Nothing. No inspiration. No answers. No connection - NOTHING.

"Oh great - I helped others transform and so now The Universe has left me!" (yes I do still doubt The Universe sometimes especially in "need for answers/control" moments!) But it wasn't until I decided to expend what I had left of my energy into cleaning my house and tidying my desk that I heard a whisper from my soul: “Can you hear me? I'm waiting. I'm ready for you...”

I immediately snapped to attention, and suddenly a wave of immense bliss overcame me. Nothing in the outside world mattered at that point - and it was almost so blissful that it actually felt empty...that I was empty. And I had to ask "What is happening? What is this feeling? I've definitely felt something similar before - but not in the same way that it is now. I feel...like a blank slate."

"Yes. This is exactly it. You are a blank slate now. Isn't this what you've been looking for?"

At first I couldn't quite understand. No - why would I want to be a blank slate? After all the amazing work I've been doing - am I supposed to ditch it all and start again? The answer finally came to me during my journaling session the next day. I am supposed to be a blank slate not because I have lost all of my abilities.... I am a blank slate because I have dropped ALL of the expectations and requirements of me. I have dropped the old beliefs I had around money, business, relationships, friendships...and The Universe trusted me though to actually let me have the reins again - to create again - to rebuild again...the person that I actually want to become.

I hadn't realised that for some time I had been quieten myself, moulding myself into someone else's expectations, someone else's version of success, someone else's requirements of me...and forgotten my own vision and my own purpose. And only when I allow myself the space to let all of that go - THEN I can be trusted again to create - not just by The Universe - the most important one is myself. I could trust myself again because I don't need to look or be like anyone else, or to follow the trends, or hack any algorithm. The most powerful version of me IS me. And only I have the power to determine what that can look like.

So...that was my weekend.

But as I write this I'm thinking back to the time when I first decided to create Clarity Revive, and also Becoming You Again - and actually The Universe was already whispering to me hints of what's to come. I even "soul sobbed" through the design processes because they hit so deep...but it wasn't until I fully went through the continuity of the entire experience that I could get the full shift - as well as going through the content multiple times to ensure it's the best.

If that is what 5 days of 30mins can do...just imagine 6 weeks of 90mins - in a collaborative, safe, community environment where you can share without repercussion, discuss openly, and still know there will never be judgement in the safe space. Imagine the transformation that you will have on your life after 6 weeks' of Becoming You Again (BYA). If you're in the same space, where you're quietly feeling or loudly aware that something is off and you have no idea why but you want it to change because you have an absolute knowing that your life was meant for more....then BYA is for you.

Well - I did say no marketing - so I won't say anymore here. Check out the programme on my website: www.empoweringleap.com/becoming-you-again

If you’ve ever felt yourself disappearing too, and you’re finally ready to come back - maybe this space is for you. And maybe BYA is too.

We start 18th June - 7pm-8:30pm. 6 weeks.

This is my first ever public journal - hope you enjoy it. Any topics you want me to cover, just give me a shout.

From My Heart To Yours,

Janette 💖