How I Learnt to Feel Safe to Show Up as Me

Photo by Ahtziri Lagarde via Unsplash.com

This week started off in a very interesting way - I booked myself into a 5 hour networking event. I mean...5 hours is a VERY long time so I did hesitate a lot before booking it but I am SO glad I did!

For those of you who don't know me - I am quite a shy person. Despite my love for hosting events (including networking events), I don't actually like going to them on my own because I still get nervous going up to strangers. I'm not very good with small talk, and I still am working through some lingering fear of other people's judgement (we all have something that lingers!) Monday went SO well though and I absolutely smashed it with my conversations! But you know...part way through that - my judgement came back. My fear came back. And even though I was really enjoying my conversations, I found heart racing as my brain started doing its thing:

"OMG why did you just raise your hand and say that?"

"She totally interpreted that the wrong way - you should have said it in this way!"

"Aren't you being really arrogant and loud now?"

"Ohhhh your hair is so messy!"

(Thanks brain!)

It was a very confusing moment, because logically I knew I was safe. I knew people were resonating with what I was saying, and at NO point did anyone show the slightly judgement - yet my brain was going off on one.

On Monday I shared a reel on IG talking about Imposter Syndrome and why it happens - so I won't repeat it here, but this whole week I've been exploring the reasons why I personally get so worked up and triggered about meeting new people and going to new places...

Which has led to this week's reflection questions:

“Where in your life do you feel most safe to be your authentic self? And where is that safety missing?”

Because I realised that ultimately, it all comes down to emotional safety. When Maslow created the Hierarchy of Needs, he talks about safety not only in a physical form or financial security - he also talks about emotional safety. And it is so true.

Imagine if you've got a roof over your head, food on the table, air to breathe, clean water to drink, and even if you have the most highly paid salary and no one is beating you up, there is still no way you'll be able to thrive UNLESS you have emotional safety.

In the modern day, our emotional safety is threatened in 2 main ways:

• Do we feel like we are worthy?

• Do we feel like we are enough?

These can show up in so many different ways, such as:

• Are you earning as much as "x" person is? If not you're not successful = you are not enough

• Are you as pretty / thin / asthetically good looking? If not you are not worthy of love

• Are you as good a parent as "y" person? If not, you are not a good mum = you are not enough

• Have you been able to grow your business as successful/big as "z"? If not, you are a failure = you are not worthy

• Is your partner as good as "b" person? If not, he/she is not enough

All of these different ways that we are being programme of what is good vs bad has been framed in the way that makes us think x = good = worthy/enough, y = bad = unworthy/not enough.

So if we are continuously comparing ourselves to someone else's version of good, then we are always affirming to ourselves we are a version of bad........

This isn't to say I'm against learning by the way - I LOVE learning (I think I'm a geek at heart - at least on personal development topics!) but learning a way of doing something and then making it our own is the way I like to learn, rather than taking the exact steps and process someone else uses and then wondering why I am not able to replicate the exact results!

Life is not A+B=C so there isn't a set formula.

Monday really showed me that - meeting women who have successful businesses in cookie decorating, helping people dress with confidence, dressage, handmade crafts, crochet - the thing that all of these things have in common is that they are all owned by female business owners, and that they are all resilient and ambitious women who have a dream. Women who have stepped outside of their comfort zone and pursued their dreams - not because it's easy but because it's their purpose, mission, and it's what they love.

Coming back to the topic of emotional safety - nothing new is ever going to feel safe. As adults we have been programmed to be afraid of fear and risk (partly for our own safety which is a good thing) but we have lost that childhood innocence where we'll do everything. It's like watching a child put their hand in the fire or run into the road to catch a ball - it's like they know no fear - but as adults we KNOW the fear and we have been taught to avoid it at all cost.

Which is why it takes so much effort for us to go against our brains and feel the fear but do it anyway...But that's also how we can actually train ourselves to still move forward when we feel a little nervous or scared.

For me, I always feel safe when I'm on my own, with people that I know, or in a place that I know - because it's not new, and I don't have to worry about getting lost, or being judged by others. As a Chinese kid growing up in rural England, it wasn't safe for me to go out or to meet people - because half the time they'd judge me and say nasty comments about me being Chinese. In between between gawped at like an alien, and comments like "F-off back to your own country!" It made me lose my identity as a Chinese and also made me feel it is incredible unsafe to go out to meet new people - because who knows what abuse they'll throw at me!

This can be useful information, but only if I actually intentionally do something with it. You know - it is a myth that we will completely erase specific fears and feelings completely just because you've worked on it. Yes it CAN be completely gone once you properly heal, but there are still some that linger on if there is still some unresolved trauma. However, if we always need to wait until we are completely healed and never get triggered again before we do anything, we most likely wouldn't be doing very much at all...

So coming back to my situation - knowing when I feel unsafe is useful because now I am in control and I get to choose how I want to react. I can either run away...or I can acknowledge it's there, and then use various tools/techniques to help me out - more energy/somatic focus examples like Reiki, breathing exercises, emotional affirmations (e.g. I am safe), as well as more brain/logic-focused activities such as journaling, role playing, pros/cons, etc.

From this week, I've been reminded that emotional safety isn’t a destination that we reach - it’s a continuous practice and a daily choice. By recognising our triggers and using tools that support our mind, body, and spirit, we can create safety to step bravely into the unknown.

Remember: You are in control, and every small act of courage builds your inner strength. It’s not about being perfect or never feeling fear again. It’s about choosing how you respond, giving yourself grace, and creating small pockets of safety that empower you to show up fully.

This way, you never need to have FOMO (fear of missing out) again - because you get to choose the experiences that you want to cultivate in your own life 💖